


My Price to Pay

by DreamingIsAlwaysPossible



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Dorms, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, NCT Are Family, Slice of Life, Suh Youngho | Johnny-centric, Tags May Change, dorm-life, everyone got problems they are dealing with, just some thoughts on line distribution..., they are only human
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28882194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible/pseuds/DreamingIsAlwaysPossible
Summary: Most of the time his frustration, or more like devastation, was aimed where it should be. At SM. But he slipped up sometimes. He was only human after all. He didn’t have total control over his feelings.So the morning they all return, from SuperM and dream schedules, he couldn’t bring himself to be part of the welcoming committee. He could hear all the commotion in the hallway. They had gathered on the fifth floor to eat dinner together, for the first time in weeks.His weak moment couldn’t have come at a worse time.
Relationships: Kim Jungwoo & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Suh Youngho | Johnny & NCT 127 Ensemble, Suh Youngho | Johnny/NCT 127 Ensemble
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is in no way meant to offend anyone or anyting like that. I know this is a quite sensitive topic. This is just my take on the uneven line distibution, combined with NCT being family.

Johnny had been doing this for 12 years now. He had spent the greater part of his life working towards this dream. Still, he was not one of the original members. He was not part of more than one subunit. He has his YouTube content, which he had fought tooth and nail for. 

He couldn’t help it. 

Most of the time his frustration, or more like devastation, was aimed where it should be. At SM. But he slipped up sometimes. He was only human after all. He didn’t have total control over his feelings. 

Mark and Donghyuck were his younger brothers, Taeyong one of his best friends. But when they left for schedules, the rest of them weren’t part of, he was reminded of how disregarded some of them are. 

So the morning they all return, from SuperM and dream schedules, he couldn’t bring himself to be part of the welcoming committee. He could hear all the commotion in the hallway. They had gathered on the fifth floor to eat dinner together, for the first time in weeks. 

His weak moment couldn’t have come at a worse time. 

When this happened, he usually fled to the practice room, like so many of the other members when things got hard. He knew that, deep down, it came from a need to prove to himself that he was good enough. He worked hard enough to be here. This time he couldn’t bring himself to leave when everyone was finally home. 

He spent the rest of the evening there, staring at the ceiling. The brief moment when Donghyuck came in to leave his bags, he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. 

Nobody bothered him. 

It was when he heard them start to clatter with the plates he finally gathered enough strength to push himself up. 

Entering the kitchen, he almost turned on the doorstep, with how crowded it was. 

Mark sat next to Yuta, gesturing excitedly. Donghyuck had wrapped himself around Taeil, who’s doing his best to serve them both with only one free hand. Taeyong was placed in between Jaehyun and Doyoung, the latter already feeding the leader. At first glance Jaehyun seems absorbed with the plate in front him, but from where Johnny was standing he could clearly see the hand placed on Taeyong’s knee, as if to both ground Taeyong, and reassure himself the leader was back. 

“Johnny-hyung!” Jungwoo was out of his chair the moment he saw Johnny standing in the door, infected by Mark’s excitement, which had spread around to all the present members. 

He let his face light up with a genuine smile. Something in his chest fell into place once again. He had missed them. 

He gratefully accepted the plate thrust into his hands. Taking place in the only free chair left, he let Jungwoo’s words wash over him.

* * *

Many hours later, they start to retire to their own rooms. Taeyong was the first to flee into the solitude of his room, but only after making sure he had checked in on how things were with all of them. After him it was most of the inhabitants from the tenth floor, Taeil, Yuta, Jungwoo and Jaehyun, who left. 

With the TV in the background, he could hear Doyoung and Donghyuck’s bickering die out. Tearing his eyes away from Mark, who was falling asleep on his shoulder, he caught the rare sight of them cuddled up comfortably. Doyoung was stroking Donghyuck’s hair, both of their eyes closed. 

Johnny could feel Mark’s breathing slowing down against his neck at the same rate that Doyoung’s hand reached Donghyuck’s nape, slower with every brush. The television program had long since changed to what looked like some debate. It was impossible to follow with the volume so low. 

They shouldn’t sleep here. Even if they were free tomorrow, their bodies won’t appreciate it. 

Gently Johnny patted Mark’s thigh to get him to wake up a bit. Mark stretched his arms as he yawned. 

“You should start moving to your bed and get some proper sleep.” Two arms wrapped around him, and his shoulder muffled Mark’s reply.

“No. Hyung.” Johnny can’t help but smile at how small Mark looked in moments like these. So far from the stage persona he had built up over the years. “Can’t I sleep in your bed?” 

Johnny was weak. How could he say no to the sleepy eyes that were staring up at him? 

“Of course, I’ll just make sure that those two also get some proper sleep.” He nodded towards the two singers, who were sound asleep on the other couch. “I assume you haven’t forgotten where my room is, despite how long you’ve been gone.” 

“No, I haven’t.” He rubbed at his eyes. “Thanks, hyung.” Mark stood up and started dragging his feet towards Johnny’s door. 

Standing over Doyoung and Donghyuck, he tried to commit the sight of their relaxed faces to memory. It had been so long since he saw them anything but stressed out because of the continued promotions. He shook them both minutely. Doyoung cracked his eyes open, while Donghyuck turned away from the touch and curled up. 

“Ow!” Doyoung grimaced, as he hit Donghyuck lightly on the head, for kneeing him. 

“Ah, don’t hit me!” Donghyuck fell off the couch, still blinking the sleep away. 

“Ugh, demon.” Still, Doyoung picked him up from the floor by pulling at his arms. 

Johnny stared after them, amused, as both disappeared into his and Donghyuck’s room. He walked after them, and met Doyoung in the door, as he headed to his own room, after having dumped Donghyuck in the younger’s bed. 

“Night, sleep well.” 

Doyoung patted him on the arm and mumbled something similar as an answer. 

Mark was sound asleep when he reached his bed, but he had squeezed himself into the space closest to the wall, taking as little space as possible. 

Johnny settled into his half of the bed, and it wasn’t many minutes before he felt Mark roll closer, throwing an arm around him, as he had expected. 

Laying there hearing Donghyuck’s steady breathing from the bed on the other side of the room, and with Mark’s warmth so close by, he realised just how empty the room had felt with the youngest gone. They all enjoyed the time alone they could get, but they had also gotten used to living so close upon each other that anything else felt weird. 

He laid awake for another while, rubbing Mark’s back, before he felt sleep dragging him under.

* * *

He woke up to the bed dipping next to him, the only warning he got before he was buried under a cold Donghyuck. 

“Oh, hello.” He ruffled the youngest’s hair. 

He got some grumbling in response as Donghyuck wiggled himself underneath the blanket. Johnny’s bed was made for one person, not three, so it was a tight fit. Not that he minded. They were family. 

“Ugh,” Mark uttered from where he had been shoved into the wall once again. “Was that an elephant that decided to join us, or what?” 

Johnny snorted as Mark got a whack in his stomach for the comment. “Careful, Lee. This is still my and Johnny-hyung’s room. I can throw you out any minute.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” 

Donghyuck lifted his head up from Johnny’s chest and smirked as he looked over at the unsuspecting Mark, who had closed his eyes. Johnny raised an eyebrow at the youngest, but realised it’s already too late to stop what’s going to happen. 

It’s not even a second later that Donghyuck got a startled shout out of Mark, before redoubling his efforts, tickling the poor boy until he was wheezing. Climbing off of Johnny and over to Mark. 

“No! Stop!” Laughter stopped him from continuing, as Donghyuck now had him pinned to the bed. 

“Well, that’s one way of making sure that no one else in the dorm is still sleeping.” Johnny’s words fell on deaf ears. 

“Beg for mercy, Markeu-yah!” 

Squirming on the bed with tears streaming down his face Mark did as told. “Please, _please!_ No more!” 

Donghyuck was cackling, but didn't let up his torture. The older was red in the face and gasping for air. 

“Hyung! Help me!” Johnny had half a mind to just leave the two of them there, with their usual chaotic energy, when Mark’s laughter transformed into a coughing fit.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Grabbing Donghyuck, he rolled over, placing himself as a barrier. 

Donghyuck pouted at him. “No fun, hyung.” 

“What? You want Mark to suffocate?” 

Donghyuck mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “sometimes”, but his smile was warm as he climbed over Johnny to lie in the middle, the optimal place to get as many cuddles as possible, according to the youngest.

Johnny closed his eyes. He hugged Donghyuck close. Calmed by Mark’s and Donghyuck’s whispering, he slept for a few more hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope to get up some continuation of this soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is part two of this, mostly plotless, fic. It's not that long, but I think this is a nice filler chapter for the end-scene I'm working towards.

The next time he woke up, he was alone. The sun was streaming in through the window. Planting his feet on the chill floor, he moved out into the kitchen. 

The sight that greeted him was their oldest, dancing around with earphones in his ears and humming to himself. Gliding along the counters with his plate and cutlery in his hands, he didn’t seem to be aware of Johnny’s presence. When he belted out a high note in what sounded like an attempt at English, Johnny couldn’t keep an amused smile off his face. 

He walked into the kitchen, picking out his breakfast from the fridge. 

Taeil was putting his dishes in the dishwasher when he jerked around, startled, finally noticing Johnny. 

“Johnny-yah! You’re finally up!” 

Putting down the juice package, he leaned against the counter watching Taeil close the dishwasher. 

“Yeah, you’ve been up long?” As far as Johnny knew, Taeil had slept on the other floor. He must have come down during the morning. That was just the way things were. Everyone was welcome anytime. 

“A while. I saw Mark and Donghyuck leave around ten, when I was having breakfast with Doyoung.” 

“Right, they had practice today.” He turned back to the glass on the counter, pouring the juice before placing it back in the fridge. Taeil stood by the dishwasher, watching him, foot tapping to the beat still in his ears. 

“What are you listening to?” 

Instead of answering, Taeil unlocked his phone, and a few seconds later the music was streaming out into the kitchen. 

“Nice.” Bobbing his head along with the music, he put his plate and glass on the table. 

Pulling at Taeil’s arm, he didn’t have to wait long before the older joined in, jumping around in time with the music. 

When Jaehyun found them, he had taken one look at them and burst out laughing. 

* * *

He was sitting in the cafe with Jaehyun, the silence between comfortable. People were circulating. A couple was sitting three tables away, a family on the other side. 

There was a family seated three tables to their right, and a couple another two tables away. 

He sipped his coffee as he watched Jaehyun fiddle with his phone. The younger was frowning at something on the screen. Johnny let his eyes drift, Jaehyun would talk to him if he wanted, or needed, to. 

The couple was looking at the children from the family running around the tables. He could see the longing in the woman’s eyes and the way the man was running his fingers across her knuckles where he held her hand. 

Jaehyun dumped his phone on the table with a thud, drawing Johnny’s eyes back to him. He wasn’t looking at Johnny, though. Instead, he was staring at his mug, dragging his hands through his hair slowly. 

Jaehyun looked up. 

“It’s difficult, again.” 

Ah, so this was what it was about. 

“Too hard?” 

Jaehyun shook his head quickly. “No, no. Just. I wanted someone else to know. Just in case, you know.”

Yeah. 

Jaehyun would never claim it was too hard to share a room with Jungwoo. He probably didn’t think of it that way. But it wore down on all of them to see the more trying periods, when Jungwoo looked as though a breeze could make him topple over. They tried to help as much as possible, but in the end they could only do so much. 

“You’d tell us, right?” 

Jaehyun nodded. “Yeah, I’m just worried. But I don’t think it’s gotten as bad as it was at that time. He still seems much better.” 

“That’s good.” 

Johnny made a mental note to keep an extra eye on Jungwoo the following days. 

The silence was back again. 

Johnny spotted a group of teenagers at the other side of the room. It had become like a sixth sense, feeling when they were being watched, even if the people in question were trying to be inconspicuous. 

It was quite an even mix of girls and boys. The only reason he noticed them was because they had been loud until a few minutes ago. Glancing at them over the rim of his mug, he accidentally met the eye of one girl. He saw as she leaned into her friend, sitting next to her, giggling, though it was impossible to hear with the distance between the tables. 

They most likely knew who they were, which meant they should leave soon. 

“Do you ever miss _Night Night_?” 

Trying to keep up with the turns in the conversation, Johnny gently put down his coffee. 

“Of course, it was a fun time.” 

Jaehyun just hummed, spacing out as he watched the surrounding tables. Johnny didn’t push. He knew that sometimes you just needed to not feel alone in the nostalgia or longing for things gone by. 

* * *

Taeyong knocked softly at the door frame to Johnny’s room. Johnny put down his camera and waved in Taeyong. 

“Hi, Yongie. What’s up?” 

“Just checking if you’ve had lunch yet?” The leader took a seat at Johnny’s bed, watching with curious eyes the work Johnny had up on display at his computer. 

“Yeah, I dragged Jaehyun out earlier.” Turning back to the computer screen, he flipped through his pictures until he stumbled upon the one he had been wanting to show their leader for some time. 

It was a picture of Jungwoo, Doyoung and Taeyong on their free day, almost a year ago. It was sunny, and some of them had taken the time to visit a park down by the Han river. 

In the picture Jungwoo sat on a bench, leaning against Taeyong, who in turn was leaning against Doyoung. Taeyong had his eyes closed while Doyoung was laughing at something behind the camera. Jungwoo’s face was scrunched up in a smile, the most relaxed they had seen him in a while, at that time. 

If his memory served him right, this was just moments before Yuta had almost tripped Taeil into the river. 

Johnny glanced at Taeyong. The leader had curled up, hugging his knees to his chest, but with a small smile on his face. 

“Can I have that one?” 

“Sure.” He marked the picture, so he could find it again. 

Taeyong stood up from the bed. “I’ll leave you to it, then.” He had almost closed the door when Johnny remembered what they had been talking about. 

“Taeyong, wait.” The leader stopped just outside the door and looked back at Johnny. “Have you eaten yet? Do you want some company?” 

It was possible to feel lonely even in their close quarters. 

Taeyong smiled again. “Oh, no. It’s alright. Yuta and I are going out. Just wanted to make sure you hadn’t gotten too caught up in a project. It’s fine if you want to stay in.” 

“Okay, enjoy your lunch.” 

Taeyong gave a small wave. “We will.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably become four chapters in total, unless some major plot grabs me, and takes my other fics hostage. That has happened before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. It's a balance of receiving and providing support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I realised when I was almost done with this chapter that I fucked up the dorm situation. *deep sigh* So, I rewrote the whole chapter. But I guess this works too. I think it's matched up to the info we have about the dorms now? 
> 
> We’ll see if I can use those discarded scenes somewhere else, some time, because I’m really pleased with them. 
> 
> Minor warning about implied anixiety attack later on here. Nothing big, but it is, like, the focus of the last scene.

After dinner, Johnny joined Mark in his room to work on some lyrics. The perks with using Mark’s room were that they didn’t bother anyone, since there was no manager staying with them at the moment. 

Mark threw himself on his bed the moment he sat a foot in the room. Johnny took the free desk chair and placed his notebook on the table. 

“So do you have any idea what the main concept will be about?” 

“Dude, yeah!”

Keeping up with Mark’s flow once he starts talking is a skill in itself. Johnny’s proud to say he had gotten the hang of during the years they’ve worked together. It wasn’t like most of what they came up with right now would be usable. What they were doing now was more about finding that line with the special feeling, narrowing down what the lyrics should revolve around and then build upon that later on. 

They threw some ideas back and forth, Mark even brought out his guitar to try to find a chord progression or melody that could support the capture the essence of their thoughts. 

Johnny’s on the seventh page for the evening, when he heard Mark’s plucking come to a halt. He continues his scribbling for a minute, immersed in the phrasing's rhythm. 

Staring at the paper in his hand, he swiveled around in the chair. 

“What do you think-”

He stopped when he noticed Mark sprawled out on his bed, fast asleep. The guitar was lying halfway across his lap, but alarmingly close to the edge. Johnny put the notebook back down on the table behind him, before saving the guitar from a free fall the next time Mark moved. 

He carefully placed it on the stand in the corner. 

If Mark had finally fallen asleep, Johnny would not wake him up. Their project could wait for tomorrow. He snuck out into the living room. 

It was something serene about the way darkness was seeping into every corner of the dorm. Only a square of moonlight on the floor, in the middle of the room, providing a faint glow. 

He found his way to the bathroom easily, but it was not until he was on his way back to Mark’s room that he saw it. 

There was someone sitting on the couch. 

“Jungwoo? What are you doing up?” 

Jungwoo, who was leaning back on the couch, let his head tip to the side, meeting Johnny’s eyes. His eyes were bloodshot. 

Was he tired? Or had he been crying?

“I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to bother Jaehyun, so I came out here.” 

Johnny took a seat next to him, stroking Jungwoo’s arm. 

“Buddy, you know you’re never a bother, to any of us.” 

Jungwoo rubbed his eyes. “I know, but he’s been so busy and tired. I can’t keep him awake.” 

“Sure, but you could have talked to someone else.” 

Instead of answering, the younger leaned into his side, resting his head on Johnny’s shoulder. Adjusting to the new position, Johnny put his arm around his shoulders. 

“How are you holding up?” 

He felt Jungwoo press his face even tighter against his neck. 

“I’m okay. Really, I am. I just can’t stay asleep. I wake up, and that wakes Jaehyun, so I thought it’d be better if I stay out here.” 

So nightmares. Not uncommon among them, with the pressure and the high stakes they were trying to carry. 

“He doesn’t mind. Talk to him about it. If you still feel like this later on, maybe we should rearrange the rooms.” 

Jungwoo started to protest. 

“Jungwoo, you have to be able to be in your room. No matter how good roommates you are, it’s essential you both get to sleep.” Johnny felt powerless. “Is there anything we can do for you?” 

Jungwoo shrugged. 

“I’ll let you know if I think of something.” 

Yawning, Johnny hugged Jungwoo closer. The younger twisted his body, circling his arms around Johnny. He pulled his legs across Johnny’s lap while still sitting next to him on the couch cushion. In the silence Johnny felt Jungwoo’s breathing steadily adapt and imitate his own. 

His own eyelids were becoming heavier with each minute. He leaned his head back. 

* * *

Taeil woke them the following morning, his gentle hands shaking their shoulders. Johnny blinked awake. 

“Morning. We need to be ready in half an hour.” 

Johnny felt Jungwoo uncurl himself from Johnny. He left Johnny’s lap, also taking all warmth with him. 

Johnny leaned back again, closing his eyes briefly. He had not slept as well as he would have in his own bed, but he supposed Jungwoo had probably gotten a few more hours than he’d otherwise have, so it was worth it. 

“Ey, no falling back asleep.” He felt Taeil poke him. Grabbing the singer’s hand, eyes still closed, a small smile broke through his facade as he pulled Taeil close enough to get a good hold around his waist. His friend was chanceless against Johnny’s strength, leaving them both lying down on the couch. 

“Yah! We’ve only got thirty minutes. And we’re far from ready.” 

Thirty minutes. 

_Thirty minutes._

Letting go of Taeil, who just caught himself before tumbling to the floor, Johnny sat up straight. 

“Why did no one wake us earlier?” 

“This is the time we normally wake up,” Taeil said, finally having found his footing. 

Right, he had slept on the tenth floor. 

* * *

That day Mark broke. 

It didn’t happen often. In fact, as far as Johnny knew, it had only happened three times before. 

One of those times, Johnny had held Mark as the younger tried to breathe. It had been sometime after 2018 when being in all groups had finally taken its toll on him. Ironically, Johnny suspected it was leaving Dream that had triggered it, even if it meant less work. He had grown up with the boys, lived with them every day, and suddenly he didn’t. They still hung out, but at the end of the day they only had a limited amount of free time and energy. 

They ate lunch in the practice room, discussing the next comeback. Johnny looked at Taeyong’s pained grimace, Mark’s tense shoulders and Donghyuck’s tired eyes, and briefly wondered how they’d get through this without splintering. It had already been a long year for them. 

Donghyuck had just mentioned some steps they had been working on with Dream the day before when Mark suddenly stood up. 

“Sorry! Sorry-”

He stumbled backwards, as if trying to get to the door, but going in the wrong direction. He got as far as the wall, before sliding down to the floor, pulling his legs close to his chest. 

Johnny realised quickly what was happening, but Jungwoo was faster. Crouched in front of his friend, he grabbed hold of Mark’s hand, gently shushing him. 

Johnny couldn’t see Mark’s face as Taeil soon after was in front of him, murmuring what Johnny assumed were reassurances. He saw Jungwoo embrace Mark gently. A steadying and supportive presence, without becoming restrictive. Yuta was on Mark’s other side, brushing a hand through his hair repeatedly.

Johnny couldn’t help but wonder if this may have happened more often than he knew about, judging by how more than half of the people present didn’t seem surprised. 

Johnny would have tried to help, but Jungwoo and Yuta’s comfort and Taeil’s whispered words seemed to work, and it was unnecessary to crowd Mark. 

Donghyuck had unconsciously edged closer to Johnny and was now standing pressed against his side. He put a calming arm around their youngest. 

He saw Doyoung holding back Taeyong, keeping him still on the floor to not aggravate his sore limbs. The leader had given in, but did not look content with doing nothing when Mark was obviously in distress. Doyoung seemed to share his sentiment, but having Taeyong not hurt himself had won out, since the others were handling the situation. 

Doyoung’s care and determination. Taeil’s steady calm. Jungwoo’s comforting and uplifting presence. Yuta’s straightforward, no nonsense attitude. Johnny’s guidance and easygoing nature. 

That was how they’d get through this, even if some of them were breaking. There was strength in being a team. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole chapter feels quite splintered, but then again, this doesn’t really have a plot, so... All scenes connect to things from past or future chapters, anyway, so I guess it’s fine. 
> 
> In the next chapter we'll probably meet some from another group, if I figure out how to write them xD Any guess as to who/which group that will be? ;)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for giving this a chance. Stay safe. 
> 
> twitter: u_127dream_wayv


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